Just ask for it

One of the most famous verses in the Holy Bible comes from Mathew 7:7 which says "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened for you"

Sorry folks, I’m not preaching, just addressing the male audience and the topic is RAPE which is one of the most prevalent forms of Gender-Based Violence (GBV), the others being forced /arranged marriages, Female Genital Mutilation (FGM), domestic violence, etc. I have picked rape because we as men are usually the perpetrators and are therefore the only ones who can also bring it to an end. Granted, men also do suffer forced sexual encounters at the hands of women, but evidently the scale is heavily tilted against us.

Just to be sure we are reading from the same page; let’s look at rape in its crudest form as the intentional, unlawful and actual penetration of the male sexual organ into the female sexual organ without consent and usually by use of force, coercion or threats against the victim. It becomes "Defilement" when the victim is a minor.
All men have female family members and relatives – mother, sisters, spouse, aunties, nieces, and even grandmothers. We also have many female friends and acquaintances, meaning that women are integral in our lives. Religion, history, and most importantly common sense tells us that we are the protectors of the society. Men are expected to protect women and children from all acts of aggression, real or imagined. These protection services ought to be provided to all women and children, irrespective of our relationship with them... whether they are our close family members, relatives, friends, colleagues at work – or absolute strangers.

Statistics show that most rape and defilement incidents are committed by perpetrators who are known to the victim and the list of shame includes fathers, uncles and neighbours. It therefore becomes an embarrassing tragedy of untold proportions when the protector becomes the aggressor, turning against the very people he is supposed to protect. What is happening? Why are we as men abdicating our duties as protectors and feasting on our flock instead? And what happened to the “willing giver, willing taker” way of doing things? Why use force? You see, even sex has a couple of stages that are meant to prepare both parties, to make it as comfortable, thrilling, exciting and fulfilling to both parties as possible. However, all the thrill and excitement is unceremoniously taken away when force, threats and coercion are used. Violent friction is painful and leads to bruising, thus exposing both parties, especially the woman to diseases.

Most of the physical pain goes away with proper medical care and time, but the psychological trauma remains etched in the survivor’s memory throughout their lifetime. It becomes worse for a woman who conceives as a result of a sexual assault because they now have to deal with an unplanned pregnancy and then raise a child they never intended to have in the first place.

I’m a survivor of an attempted sexual assault by a male neighbour when I lived in Mombasa’s Kongowea area almost 20 years ago. The culprit, whom I later learnt was gay, asked me one evening to help him apply a therapeutic jelly to his back. I innocently went to his house and found him with a shawl round his waist. He then lay on the floor, pointing where he wanted the jelly to be applied. I did as requested but after several minutes of scooping and rubbing the strange smelling jelly on his back, he turned and grabbed my hand, using his weight to try and pull me to the floor. I suddenly realized that I was in danger and put up a fight. I kicked him hard on the face before escaping into the darkness and into the safety of my uncle’s house where I was staying as a guest. I couldn’t sleep that night, so I took a kitchen knife and placed it under the pillow – just in case. I was so scared and traumatized that I moved out of Kongowea the following morning. Many years after the attack, I still find myself thinking about what would have happened to me had I not fought back... or what would have happened if he had an accomplice and they overpowered me.... and that gives me a slight clue of what female survivors go through in their minds. It’s an ordeal that you wouldn’t want your beloved female family members, relatives, friends or acquaintances to go through. It’s a feeling that can make you want to commit murder.

There is no justifiable reason for rape; as long as force or threats are used to obtain sex then it becomes a sexual offense under the Sexual Offenses Act, 2006 Laws of Kenya which prescribes custodial sentences ranging from 10 years to life imprisonment for convicted offenders.

Gentlemen, women are not objects for sexual satisfaction; they too have feelings and would enjoy sex if it is consensual. In this modern world, no sane man should force a woman into sex... simply ask and chances are that it will be given to you – if you behave and prove yourself to be a man, not a wild animal.